Coping with Grief and Fear

The tragic events of September 11, 2001 have affected all of us to a certain degree. Children are no exception. To help children deal with this or any other tragedy, it is important to recognize that they may react differently than adults.

Children, even very young ones, may feel the effects of these or other events for a variety of reasons including:

• Adults around them are upset, sad, and angry, and conversing with others in tones that reveal emotional distress.
• They know something is wrong but do not know what it is or cannot understand the reason.
• Changes occur in their family life. Some children and their families may be personally affected by the tragedies. In other cases, their homes, schools, and other public places seem different to them because of new security measures.
• Daily routines may change and family members may go away as they are deployed to help respond to the tragedy in civilian or military roles.

It is very important to understand that young children have a hard time identifying and verbalizing their feelings. They perceive events egocentrically and tend to blame themselves for events around them. Therefore, it is important that adults carefully observe children during stressful events and recognize signs of distress. Signs to look for in young children include:

• Changes in eating and sleeping habits.
• Fear of separation and refusal to let the parent or caregiver depart.
• Refusal or reluctance to go to school.
• More frequent crying spells.
• Rebellious or aggressive behaviors.
• Regressive behavior such as thumb sucking and bed wetting.
• Nightmares.
• Persistent play themes related to the disaster.
• Reduction of interactions with other children.

With older children, look for:

• Signs of depression and hopelessness.
• Anger and acting out.
• Social withdrawal.

Talking with children and allowing them to talk is essential. Here are some other ways adults can help children cope with tragedy, fear, and grief:

Maintain structure. It is important for children to have a sense of safety and predictability in their lives. Continue with familiar routines for sleeping, eating, playtime, circle time, and other regularly scheduled activities. Childcare providers should explain to parents the importance of maintaining routines at home.

Give children art materials so they can "draw how they feel" and how they think others are feeling. Encourage them to make as many pictures as they want. Older children may take pictures or photos and make collages. They also can tape make recordings from the TV, the Internet, or radio and present their productions to others. Establish guidelines for these materials and monitor them carefully to avoid inclusion of graphic or disturbing details. Also, be careful to avoid racism and stereotyping of individuals, cultures, or religions. Remember that the purpose of any activity is to help children vent their feelings, and also to learn proper coping skills for their personal development.

Use children's literature as a medium to help children better understand fear and other difficult emotions. Encourage children to talk about fears and discuss how story characters positively handle their fears and other emotions. Older children may go to a library and help select the books. Make sure you discuss the books with the librarian prior to choosing them and perhaps read them together so you are comfortable and understand the information.

Make yourself more physically and psychologically accessible to children. Make eye contact and touch and hug children frequently. Let them know you are there for them and encourage parents to do the same at home.

Do not add new foods to your nutritional program during this time. This is not the time to create challenges at eating time. Prepare foods that your children enjoy and are familiar with. Encourage conversation during mealtime.

Write notes to your children and families and encourage parents to do the same with their children. "Happy faces," pictures, and simple cards or notes help tell children that parents and other adults care. Consider using e-mail for children and families with Internet access. Let them know that you understand this is a stressful time for most people. Reassure children that adults are working hard to keep them safe.

At nap or bedtime, some children may have nightmares or unusual difficulty falling asleep. Design strategies to help them falls asleep such as using night lights or soft music, providing favorite toys or blankets, or singing lullabies. If a child has nightmares, ask him or her to tell you the dream. Write it down and put it in a bag or a container "so it will not come out again." If the nightmares continue, ask the child what he or she thinks will work.

Older children may want to keep a journal that they can share with family or friends or just keep to themselves.

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, www.aacap.org

American Academy of Pediatrics, www.aap.org

American Psychological Association, www.apa.org/monitor/apr02/newlessons.html

National Association for the Education of Young Children, www.naeyc.org

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