Sam and Ben are playing in the sandbox. Both children reach for the sifter. Sam grabs the sifter first and Ben tries to wrestle it from him. Sam holds tightly to the sifter, and the boys angrily wrestle for the toy. The caregiver or teacher, seeing the incident, comes over to the sandbox to investigate. Was this bullying?

Sally and Maria are playing restaurant. Lisa approaches and wants to play, too. Sally says to Lisa, “I told you that you can’t ever play. We don’t want to play with you, and the rule is that you can’t play with us. Go away, or you’ll be sorry!” The early childcare and education provider, hearing Sally’s increasingly-used “threatening voice” asks the children what is happening. Did bullying occur in this situation?

When you think of a bully, you might not picture a young child. While bullying is more common in the elementary and secondary grades, it is important for early childcare and education programs to be aware that associated bullying behaviors begin early, even in the preschool years.

Bullying is physical or mental intimidation. Children who are bullied may have symptoms like sleeplessness, loss of appetite, upset stomach, and headaches. The mental and emotional toll of being bullied can include anxiety, depression, and lowered self-esteem. These feelings can persist even after the bullying has stopped, and some victims may require professional help.

And like their victims, bullies also suffer mentally and emotionally. As children, they struggle with peer interaction. This can manifest itself through impulsive or angry behavior, which further isolates them from other children. As adults, they are often aggressive and violent. Even children who are bystanders to bullying may suffer from anxiety, fear, and guilt and need help with working through those emotions.

Bullying and conflict are not the same. Conflict is a natural and necessary part of growing up, and children need to experience and navigate conflict. When two three-year-old children argue over who gets to play with a toy or who gets to go first, they are not engaged in bullying. They are having a conflict, which is important to developing negotiation skills.

Similarly, a two-year-old who grabs a toy from another child and runs away with it is not necessarily a bully. The child is developmentally not ready to share (some children do not master the art of sharing before age three or four) and simply needs more time and practice.

Bullying occurs when there is an unequal balance of power between two children, and one child repeatedly and deliberately intimidates or abuses the other. A five-year-old who habitually taunts or threatens a fearful three-year-old is bullying. A four-year-old who repeatedly teases or acts aggressively toward another four-year-old she perceives as weaker or vulnerable is also bullying.

In conflict, all the children involved are similarly emotional, whereas in a bullying situation the victim is typically very upset while the bully remains relatively calm. Often, bullies make up rules and force their victims to follow them. Preschool-age children enjoy making up rules; but when a child uses those rules to repeatedly exclude, humiliate, or control another child, it becomes bullying.

Bullying can be physical, verbal, or emotional. Boys frequently bully and are the victims of bullies, but girls bully, too. Boys typically use physical aggression (like hitting, pushing, and kicking) to bully, while girls frequently use social exclusion and taunting, such as barring a child from playing with a group or making fun of a child.

Both bullies and their victims tend to have certain characteristics. Children who are bullies may grow up in homes where aggression is considered normal behavior. Frequently, children who bully have not had clear limits and boundaries for appropriate behavior established at home.

Bullies struggle more than other children to feel empathy and compassion for others and may feel little or no guilt for their actions. Bullies like to be “in charge” and are often very “bossy” in their interactions and play with other children.

Victims of bullies often struggle with making friends or are socially awkward, which isolates them and makes them more vulnerable to bullying. They may be children who tend to be anxious or timid, cry frequently or are physically small, which makes them appear weaker to other children. Also, overweight children or children with disabilities are vulnerable to bullying.

There are many reasons young children engage in bullying, including jealousy, their desire to gain adults’ attention, or as a means to get something they want. Young children are naturally self-centered, and they tend to look at things only from their own point of view; so it may be difficult for a young child who is bullying to see why it is harmful to the victim.

Remember to model compassion and empathy for the children on a daily basis. Plenty of adult supervision, establishing firm limits and expectations of behavior, and consistent, appropriate consequences for misbehavior also will curb bullying.

When it happens, bullying requires immediate intervention. Young children cannot cope with bullying alone; and if it is not addressed, the bullying typically escalates. What should you do if you see bullying between children in your care? The victim needs reassurance that the bullying will stop, and encouragement that will help him or her become less fearful and more confident.

Because children who are singled out as victims by bullies often have few friends, they may need help in developing positive relationships. Bullies need to understand that their behavior is unacceptable and hurtful and that there are inevitable and appropriate consequences to bullying. Like their victims, they frequently need help establishing friendships.

Children who are bystanders to bullying may experience anxiety that they could be bullied themselves, and they too, need reassurance that adults will keep them safe and protected. They also need to be taught skills for stopping the bullying and/or for reporting it.

Early childhood curricula gives childcare providers many opportunities for discussing bullying with children. Story times, puppets, daily conversations, and sharing times are all chances to talk about compassion, empathy, and caring.

Outdoor play is important and fun for children, but it is also when children are most vulnerable to bullying. Adults need to be alert and watchful to help curb playground bullying. Games and activities that require children to cooperate also can help.

Marna Holland
Parent Educator, Asheville, NC, City Schools Preschool

Child Health Alert, www.childhealthalert.com/hottopics.htm

Kansas State University Cooperative Extension, www.oznet.ksu.edu/library/famlf2/mf2413.pdf

Montana State University Extension, www.montana.edu/wwwpb/pubs/mt200307.pdf

North Carolina State University Cooperative Extension, www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/human/guide/bullies.pdf

University of Nevada Cooperative Extension, www.unce.unr.edu/publications/FS04/FS0458.pdf & www.unce.unr.edu/publications/FS97/FS9742.pdf